I Did It My Way

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Here is a me and my man. We have been together for over a year now, and things aren’t great. Why? Because I did it my way. I can go on and on about how perfect we are for each other, we are so close and he puts up with all of my shit. Which let me tell ya, its a lot.

I met him very shortly after I moved to college and he has been by my side every step of the way since. I think when I met him I was extremely overwhelmed. I had just come out of a long relationship and was brand new to this huge University coming from a very small town. I never had felt like I just blend in until then and it was quite the shock. I wanted to be something special. So, I started lying. To the one person that would have my back for possibly the rest of my life. At the time I don’t think I realized how special he is or how important to me he would become. He was going to be my first fun college experience, but before I knew it I was falling in love and all my lies were following me.

Now we are here. Over a year later. He told me countless times to just come clean about everything but I couldn’t do it, even though I wasn’t making new lies. Then last night he asked me a question from the past and I got so nervous and filled with confrontation that I lied again. Yes, I did come clean and I couldn’t tell him I wasn’t lying so I think that shows a step that maybe I am changing, that the counseling he wants me to go to is helping. I am just so worried about what will happen. Is he going to forgive me again? Should I even let him forgive me again? And why am I having such a hard time breaking this stupid habit?

If I wouldn’t have done it my way, if I didn’t need to impress or be something I’m not or whatever it is, I’d have the best relationship. Sometimes I wonder if we’d be engaged right now.

And all of this because I just had to do it my way.

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